Saturday, October 24, 2009

Wii "stuck in neutral" update.

I haven't reported in on the Wii Fat to Fit lately, because there isn't anything new to report. I'm still doing the Wii consistently. On the days that I walk my daughter to and from school, I don't do the Wii. My knee is slowly getting back to normal, but I'm not going to push my luck. Unless it's torrential rain (or picture day, kid wearing dress and I want to keep it nice until she gets to school) we walk.( I'm not looking forward to snowpants. On either of us.)

I'm struggling and I guess I'm a bad, mean-spirited person. My husband has been working his butt off, literally, doing Wii Active and following Weight Watchers. He's lost 28 lbs so far, is toning up, dropping pant sizes and looking great. I am really proud of how hard he is working, and I support and applaud his results.

But here's the thing. He obsesses...a little. I'm really proud of his accomplishments...but it makes it harder for me to keep going because nothing is happening on my end. I do not sit at home and eat all day, even with my self-confessed Skittles obsession. We eat the same dinner. On weekends, we eat the same everything. I either walk or do Wii every day. He's losing. I'm not. At this rate, my BMI will be higher than his soon. Sometimes, when he's going on and on and on about how his jeans are too big, the frying pan looks tempting as I envision the target upside his head. He's struggled with body and self esteem issues for years, and I'm happy to see him taking pride in his appearance. He's a wonderful, caring person and I'm happy he's starting  to see what the rest of the world sees.His success shines a light on my failure, and sometimes I just want to scream "shut up already, you insensitive boob."

I am currently on a medication known to cause weight gain, and I haven't gained anything. I have medical issues that wreak havoc on the hormones and make my body think it has thyroid issues when it doesn't. Last winter I was so anemic I almost passed out driving the car and dizzy was my normal state of being. These are all facts. I haven't gained any weight, so intellectually I understand that the work that I'm doing on the Wii is probably preventing that. People who haven't seen me in awhile think I look slimmer. The fit of the clothes hasn't changed-the 1 cm that I have lost in my waist isn't having a significant impact.

I wanted to weigh less before my surgery in January, and that is looking less and less like it will happen. I'm discouraged, despondent and wondering why I'm still doing this to myself. I hope that the surgery will rectify a number of things, and will definitely eliminate the meds.

I'm discouraged at the same 2 lbs up and down, up and down. I'm discouraged that adding even 1 exercise back in right now stresses the knee, throws the pelvis out and causes me pain for the rest of the day. I'm discouraged that my husband is disappearing before my eyes, and I'm stuck in neutral. Do I always make the best food choices? Of course not, who does, but I make good choices most of the time. Skittles and poutine were on my menu this week-it was a rough week-but I was down on the Wii this morning.

So why continue? The answer is my 4 year old daughter, currently at the ice rink. I'm 46. I need to stay healthy for my daughter. She is the motivation for my husband as well.She asks me if I've done my workout. She's disappointed when we don't walk (or in her case run) to school. She's busy and active and learning to be physically fit. She sees mom and dad taking care of themselves and learning by example. I'm watching my self talk so that she doesn't hear it. She will be tall, and will have enough to deal with being the tall girl in the class.

I will continue, because quitting is not an option.I will keep stepping on the board, cringing at being called "obese" and going through the motions...but my heart's not in it anymore.


Atlantic Writer said...

But how do you feel? I mean, take the lifetime societal weight issues out of it, and how do you feel physically? This is less about how you should feel and more about how you DO feel. DO you like walking you daughter to school? Do you feel energized when you set that great example for her? Let this be about your mental and physical well being and less abou the scale.
I'm thinking about you... and some day will put a face to a supportive colleague and unexpected friend.

Divawrites said...

Thanks Megan. I needed that perspective. I like walking my daughter to school. We walk down a path lined with trees and it's usually very peaceful-once I get her butt out the door and headed for school.
I know that it's about example and taking care of me. But as you know, it's also work to do a tree pose, and sometimes I'd like to have it pay off.
I'm thinking of you and I hope things are manageable. I know they aren't well.