The view from Working from Home

This post is inspired by the post by Heather Rigby over at Babble.com.http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-development/questions-for-parents-from-SAHM/

I thought I'd contribute a few of my own:

You know you work from home  as a writer if:

1. You know to the nano-second the broadcast length of every DVD in your child's collection, but have no idea what most of them are about because you haven't actually watched them. You also know what DVD is required to meet the required word count for an article. For example, a 1500 word article may require the "Phineas and Ferb Christmas" plus the "Suite Life on Deck with Hannah Montana." A 500 word article might be doable in a "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" or "Enchanted."
2. If your child will be in residence when you are planning on conducting a phone interview, you warn all of your interview subjects in advance that your child is at home, and apologize in advance for any interrruptions that may occur.
3. You have continued a phone interview with a subject, in your best engaging and interested professional voice while: A-taking the back off a sticker. B-changing the DVD (see item 1 above) C-pouring a glass of milk D-cleaning up a puddle of milk after small child was tired of waiting and tried to accomplish (c) by him/herself
4. Made threatening "mommy faces" to small child to chase them back to the living room while continuing interview in best professional voice (and taking notes).
5. Live in fear of a Skype two-person interview becoming a three-person interview when the small person peers into the webcam and announces "who dat? Who dat in your compooter mommy? Can we go to the park now?"
6. Often START your work day at 7pm when your partner has returned from work and can take a turn wrestling the kid(s) to bed while you make a large pot of coffee and work into the wee small hours.
7. Try to schedule as many interviews by email as possible to avoid items 1-5 above.
8. Have perfected the art of writing 1000 words in the 2 hour window that you have between start and finish of summer camp.
9. You have taken a child to a last-minute interview with a bribe of Build-a-Bear or junk food  if they behave. You also charged up the iPod in advance and let them play any level of Angry Birds, even the ones you already had 3 stars on.
10. Have a spouse who has grown accustomed to the look of panic when s/he arrives home and you discover that it's dinner time and nothing is planned.

These are just a few of my random thoughts. Have I missed any?

Should, Must and Losing Yourself

I was a little shocked to find out that my last post was the end of August. I'd like to say that it was due to having lots of work, but really, I lost my Muse. I've been buried in the "shoulds" "musts" and "need to" and I've lost myself in the process.

Like any woman who has both young children and elderly parents, I've been doing a lot of juggling. My mother, who just turned 84, is healthy and lives on her own. She doesn't drive anymore so trips to the library, the bank, for haircuts and other errands get coordinated into my day. My daughter is only in school two days one week and three days the next, so I try to get my errands done on the school days. Days spent on errands are days not spent on job writing.

My mother in law is fighting an inevitable battle with metastatic cancer. It's robbed her of mobility, appetite, breath and dignity. For a woman as private as my mother in law, having a stranger help to bathe her has been very difficult for her. I'm trying to support my husband, my brother in law and my father in law, while gently preparing my daughter about the reality that sometimes sick people don't get better. I put my own sadness on the backburner, because I need to be strong for my family. I cry in private, or in a safe place like church, where it somehow seems okay to cry. It's a good thing I'm a funeral cantor: nobody thinks it odd to see someone crying at a funeral, and I cry when I see other people crying.

And then there was my cousin Murray. We found out in June that he was in total liver failure. He died August 23. Although I e-mailed him, I chickened out and couldn't pick up the phone to call him after I found out about his health situation. Murray was a kind, gentle soul and I'd made him cry before when we talked about his son, Allie. I knew I couldn't be strong talking to Murray when I was so devastated about the news, so I took the coward's way out and e-mailed him instead. Now I'll never hear his gravelly voice saying "I love you" again. He's left a pretty big hole in our lives. We didn't see each other very often because of life circumstance, but I knew that if I ever really needed him, he'd be on the next plane. He was a brother of my heart and I miss him, even though we didn't talk often, I knew I could. I miss that.

And although it was for the best, I miss my little black cat, Max. He was my constant companion during the day, always needing to be where I was. To this day, when I pull out a kitchen chair, I have expect to find a little black face popping out from under the tablecloth to inquire why I'm moving his bed. He was only a cat, but he was a good, loving cat and a good companion.

I'm mired in "musts" today. I must follow up on delinquent payments. I must come up with some story ideas so that I can earn money. I must revamp my website, I must find my brave and get better at self marketing so that I can build my business. I must read last week's submission for the critique group, even though it's ridiculously long. I must find the perfect cake to bake for what will probably be my mother in law's last birthday on Sunday and I must bake it on Friday because I'm away all day Saturday at a conference. I must book haircuts for my mom and daughter. I must figure out dinner. I must go to the memorial mass at church tonight for all the people whose funerals I sang at this year. I must wash the dishes, help my daughter with homework, figure out an approach that works in dealing with a teacher that we're having concerns with (and kindergarten is too young for this crap) and I must feed the 19 year old tabby who is yowling in the kitchen.

And then there are the "shoulds": I should revise my YA novel, taking into account feedback I've received. I should figure out an outline for the non-fiction book, and see where the gaps are. I should do NaNoWriMo because that seems to be the only way I get fiction writing done. I should work on a picture book text for the critique group.  I should finish flipping my winter and summer clothes. I should lie down and get some rest so that I can shake this infection that is lingering on and on. I should do some knitting and finish the horse sweater while it still fits my daughter. I should put on a load of laundry, clean a floor of the house, work in the garden, go for a walk with my daughter on a cold but clear fall day even though my hip has been locking badly and it will hurt.

And I can't seem to do any of these. My emotional well is empty and I'm wondering why I ever thought I could successfully work from home. All the old doubt demons are muttering around me, making me question my abilities and my professional self worth. I'm juggling like crazy, but still dropping balls.

Somehow, I need to find my Muse again. I need to do something that is only for me, that will nourish and sustain my being in the hard days ahead. I need to be a little selfish and steal some me time. I've forgotten to take care of me in the midst of all the musts and shoulds. But first, I need to make a pot of tea and do some homework with my little girl.